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The Lost Dog/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Thank you very much. The whole possum lake area's in a flap over... Who got lost? Scottie. Yeah, right, scottie. Some 3-year-old named scottie went into the woods and -- surprise, surprise -- got lost. We're supposed to run out and look for him. Come on, think about it -- poor little scottie in the woods-- oh, come on, harold. The kid's 3 years old. Let him tough it out, huh? When I was a kid, we'd walk five miles to school. We dropped out, but we would have walked. I say let scottie duke it out with some wolverine for cave space, there. But, uncle red-- make a man of him. Probably run on all fours. Scottie is a dog. What? A dog. Little scotch terrier. A little scottie dog? The black moustache and perky ears and you can't see the legs? That's scottie. We got a lost dog to look for! Come on, let's go! (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): Today, harold makes himself even geekier than usual, ranger gord turns his brain into a computer... Oh, boy. We got winston with a little scary advice, and hap is lying for all he's worth, which ain't much. A dog will treat you better than any human will. That's why we gotta rescue that terrier. You can trust a dog. A dog won't lie to you. Dog won't steal your car. Except that dog moose thompson had. That was moose's fault. Cocker spaniels are smart. Teaching it to fetch the car keys, it was only a matter of time till the dog put two and two together. No, sir, we owe it to every dog to go and rescue scottie. We owe ourselves the $200 reward for scottie. Scottie's owners are really rich. Everybody and his brother's out in the woods looking for him. Don't forget, it's possum woods. That's no walk in the park. No, that's a walk in the woods. Remember when me and you used to go walking in the woods? We used to go walking in the woods, and somehow, we'd always get separated. Ha! Remember that? Wow! I'd have to find my own way home. But I did it. I kept coming back. Yeah, you did, harold. I guess I'm part bloodhound. Not the good part. (audience laughing) (red): Bill's gonna go looking for that lost dog by making some sort of a dirigible zeppelin thing. He got a tank of helium from the local circus or flower shop. Got too much for the table, bill. There you go. Oh, oh, oh! Oh, by golly. Wow! Whoa! This may take a while. Helium's lighter than air. Sort of like your brain. Ok, this is the big one! The grand prize is from mr. Ed's end of line and odd lots -- a case of quebec nordique hockey uniforms. Uncle red, you have 30 seconds to get mr. Humphrey to say this word. Thirty seconds, and go. Uh, all right. Emotions. Uh, messy. No, emotions. Weird. No, what's in your heart. Triple bypass. You know, the stuff that's in there. Cholesterol. No, no, no. When somebody says something mean, it hurts your... ... Chances for promotion. (audience laughing) the way you react to friends and family... Defence mechanisms. Your time's almost up, uncle red. The most annoying song ever written. "feelings"! (applause) ♪ oh, I can sing low as a bullfrog ♪ ♪ even when they're in heat ♪ ♪ but I can't sing as high as an eagle ♪ ♪ because they sing at 20,000 feet! ♪ a lot of folks try to keep dogs from running away by fencing them in, tying them up, putting them on a leash. That works on husbands. That is backwards thinking. Today on "handyman corner", I'll show you how to keep your dog from running away by treating him like a god. See the words? "dog", "god", eh? That's backwards spelling, not backwards thinking. All dogs love to eat. Why not serve food in something they like to eat out of? Even the worst restaurants will tell you presentation is everything. Don't let him eat out of the top of the can. Snug the lid down, punch a hole in the back. The dog has to work a bit for the food. Not only does he feed himself, he feels like he's doing something naughty. Same thing with drinking water. Put the water in something the dog likes to drink out of. What dog will leave home when you got everything he wants right here? It's kind of a reverse psychology, except you do it backwards... Like "god" and "dog". It's in their genes or hormones. Like the way they like to chew shoes. Buy a bunch of shoes. You can get a pile for about five bucks at a yard sale. I know what you're saying. "all you're doing is encouraging "all the dog's bad habits. "they should send him to obedience school." heck, if you're gonna spend 100 bucks or so, why not buy a great doggy toy instead? Dogs love to chase cars. Give him his own car to chase. I've duct-taped the steering wheel in the full-turn position. I don't have to worry about the dog or the car leaving the property. Wouldn't want this unit on the highway with no driver. It will lose a wheel disk. All right, start her up. Drop her into gear and she's on her way. With a tank of gas, that baby will run for a week. You're thinking, "the dog's got food, water, recreation -- "he's never gonna leave." he might -- he needs one more thing: Romance. Dogs get lonely. I think it's the main reason they do stray. Your dog will never leave if you got one of these. Look at that. Get a leg up on the competition. Or, as we say at the lodge, why would you go out for hamburger if you got polyester at home? I'm not done with this. I'll wire in some soft lighting, put in some disco music, a lava lamp, but I'll get to that. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Where are my tools? Right. Stay tuned for harold and his map. Look how dumb he looks. Getting older means you got the time and money to pursue the interests you've put off till the kids are grown. You get yourself a dirt bike or a jet ski or one of them flaming hang gliders... (audience laughing) then the kids start showing up at the front door all of a sudden... And you don't want to share, and that's fine. You're old now. You don't have to feel guilty any more. Here's what you do to get rid of the kids. Use the old guy's secret weapon -- boredom. Oh, yeah, start talking about the weather or your latest operation or something. You'll think of something -- you're old now. You've only begun to tap in to your potential to bore people. The kids will go away and play a video game or hopscotch, maybe knock over a liquor store. You get to play with your toys all by yourself. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. (applause) come in -- check, anyone. Anyone, come in. Come in, anyone. Anyone, come in. Check one, hello. Come in. Yeah, harold, it's uncle red -- over. Oh, excellent, uncle red, that's so great! You're coming in five by five. That means loud and clear. I'll have a cheeseburger and a large fries. Should I drive to the second window? (screaming) I didn't know you were there. I thought you were with the search party. They just left. Search party left three hours ago. The first one did. This party's looking for the search party. I've narrowed down their location. I'm using army men to represent the volunteers, because knowing is half the battle. They're up here at rock reef point. You know where that studebaker's wedged in? Then I got notice they were going swimming at foam falls. That's the last I heard of 'em, so what did I do? I got the second search party, which I call the search party search party, or the s.P.S.P., and I've got them at work socks swamp. You know where the marsh gas ignites when cars go by? No word from them, either. You can take moose thompson off there. He's over at mercury creek with his head in my trap. It's my fault for baiting it with a pork chop. Why didn't you use food that moose wouldn't eat? Such as what? Asphalt? (laughing and applause) the trick to not getting lost in the woods is to know every single rock and tree in it. Test me on this. Over there, there's a fallen birch log, a rock sticking out of the ground, some lichen moss in the shape of an "s", pine cones, a tree with leaves on it -- 32 green leaves, one yellow leaf, one brown leaf. Beside that, there's two rocks. Beside that, there's a pine cone. Well, you missed a pine cone there. On the right-hand side, there. You were close, though, very close. That was good, yeah. Must have fallen just this week. Oh, all right. I'd better add that into the old computer. For you young kids, it's my new intellivision. (beeping and whirring) (grunting) (humming) (whirring) there we go. Would you like some cheesecake? Wow! You got food hidden in the woods? Just like a squirrel. Over there, I've got a nice roast of beef. Up that oak, I've got a nice caesar's salad. Although squirrels hide their nuts, people don't usually do that. Well, I don't know, gord. Nobody knows where you are. You've dated her about five times. You're getting into a nice, comfortable routine. Pick her up at 7:00, burgers at 8:00, home by 11:00. Then she goes and throws a monkey into the wrench and looks at you and says... "I love you". (audience laughing) it's funny, isn't it, how three little words can scare a man? Like "no more beer". Yeah. Or "that's my husband!" (audience laughing) none is worse than "I love you". That's the biggie. Don't answer her, don't say anything. She knows you're a man. You're not supposed to express yourself. She'll think you're the strong, silent type. This buys you some time. Let me tell you something. When a woman says "I love you", could mean a couple of things. She might be ending the relationship. She's trying to force you to run away. Women will say "I love you" to spark up an otherwise dead-end relationship, too. Might be trying to jump-start her own feelings. Right, or yours. Go home and don't call her again. Yeah. When a woman says "I love you", there's no telling what she means! (laughing and applause) hey, handymen, you want to make a straight cut but don't have a chalk line? This works just as well. The old rusty saw blade. Perfect. (high-pitched voice): Oh, I fell off! I can't swim! Put those plastic volunteers away. I'm on the trail of that dog. I'm just looking for the search parties. I wish I knew where old man sedgwick was. He knows these woods better than anybody. He's over by mercury creek. He was standing in the trees, panting like a beagle. He'll never catch the lost dog that way. That's what I said. He said, "what lost dog?" (audience laughing) I'd try over by possum lake ski and golf club. Some of the golfers are finding surprises in the sand traps. No, no, no, uncle red. You can't go there. Remember the restraining order. I'm not going there. I've got an idea. I'm gonna rent a pair of bagpipes. I'm gonna play them and I figure it's gonna lure-- hey! Hey, it's a scottie dog. I think the bagpipes will bring the scottie dog-- I wouldn't go near 'em, but bagpipes lure scottie dogs. (audience laughing) well, uncle red... (laughing) I don't think there's any need to insult our scottish viewers. (laughing and applause) maybe not, but it's so much fun, harold. When I get the bagpipes, I'll play a polka and insult our european viewers and half of buffalo. (laughing and applause) (red): Meanwhile, back at the hindenburg, bill had attached -- beautiful! -- Helium-filled balloons to the chair-- bill, the lawn chair. Bill, it's... It's... It's... You might want to tie that to the ground or something... We got a heavier chair, and more balloons. Where do you want this tied? Oh! I don't think that helps. There we go, there we go. There's a spot with the foot-rest. You can tie that on there. We got 80, 90, 100, 200, 300... Probably about 70, 40 balloons up there. She's starting to-- oh, hang on, bill. She's going up. Bill, don't let-- bill, you're-- no, no. You want to be in the unit when it-- bill, you need to be-- up you go. Give me a boost. I'll give you-- you give me-- no, you give me-- you, me... Oh, forget it. Now he's got a beanbag chair. What are we doing? You'll fill that with helium? I got bad news. We seem to be hitting around zero on the helium scale. No problem? You've got what? You've got helium in there? I don't think so. What have we got? It's propane -- that's propane, bill. That's not helium. It's not going to go up. I think propane is about the same weight as air. It's about the same. No, it's heavier. Propane is heavier than air. That's right, yeah, yeah. Bill's gonna empty the beanbag. I don't know what he's got in mind. He's gonna empty that out. ♪ it's beginning to look a lot like trouble ♪ anyway, we filled those balloons with the propane so... Dangerous, but they're not going anywhere. How do you go up in the air? You've solved the problem of floating away-- matches! Oh, matches! Oh, matches, yeah. I'm long gone, and who can blame me? You're gonna strike that up. That makes perfect sense. You're sitting on 400 pounds of propane. Well, you were sitting on that. Wonder where he is. Oh, he's looking good. I hope you're looking for the dog -- you may not be up there too long. There's the lazy-- whoa! Oh, for gosh sakes! (laughing) what a plan. Stay tuned as harold says nothing makes me laugh. He's wrong. Bagpipes worked, harold. I caught the missing dog. You were just lucky. What happened to your hand? Well, I thought... Ok, what would lure a boy scottie dog off a golf course? You know -- ding! A bell went off in my head. Ding! I thought, "ok, a girl scottie dog." but we don't have one. I thought, "I'll disguise moose thompson's dog as one." moose thompson's dog is a rottweiler. Is it ever! Didn't seem to mind when I put the bay city rollers scarf on him, or the tam. I figure this kilt was about a size two small. (audience laughing) touchy! Oh, boy, those rottweilers -- I think they're over-bred. You should be so lucky, harold. Tell you what, though. I'll split the reward with you. Oh, ok, all right. What are you thinking? Like, 100 each or something? Well, yeah, after expenses. We gotta subtract gas, supplies, beverages, bagpipe rental and bagpipe replacement, of course. So what? We break even? We will if you chip in 15 bucks. That's not bad! (laughing and applause) it's "male call"! (applause and cheering) harold. (laughing) that's loud! Ok, here's a letter. First letter goes as follows, and it's from louise lake from helena. No, that's helena from lake louise. All right, um... "dear red, what makes you laugh?" good question -- nothing, that's what. (laughing) he laughs at zip, nada. That's not true, harold. I laugh at lots of things. Name one thing. Nothing, that's what -- nothing. (laughing) I'm not like you. You giggle at air. Lots of things I laugh at. What? Maybe not that so much... But there's other... Yes? There's other... There's something I laugh at. Nothing. Let me think. There's nothing. I know! Whoa! That's it! Yeah, that's it! (laughing) here we are with hap shaughnessy. What are we fishing for? Bass, red. That's what the big t.V. Celebrities like to fish for. (laughing) come on, hap, I'm not a big t.V. Celebrity. I didn't mean you. I mean people I met when I was a hollywood director. Names you wouldn't remember, like that kid from "rawhide". Eastwood, clint. He did that one show and disappeared. There was my other buddy from "harper", burt reynolds. He hasn't made it again in t.V. Either, poor kid. You're saying that burt reynolds is your friend? Well, that's what he'd say. I'm not so fond of him. I like sally, sally fields. Yeah, remember her? Yeah. "flying nun" -- when t.V. Made the big transition from black and white to colour, she couldn't cut it. Wonder what happened to her. You've never told me you were a director before. Yeah, and a writer. A writer? On the sid caesar show. I still fish with a couple of those other writers. Neil simon, woody allen. They don't do t.V. Either any more. None of us do. Clint, burt, sally, neil, woody, or me. We still go fishing every spring. You ever been on that old game show "to tell the truth"? Hmm? That sounds like you don't believe me. Well... Here's a picture taken last spring. Now, how do you account for that? She looks like a bit of a paste-up, hap. Burt's head is the same size as woody's whole body. That's perspective. Burt is closer. How come you're the only one in colour? Everybody else is in black and white. I told you, red. None of them made the big transition to colour. Can't be harder than the big transition to reality. Ran into a bit of a wrinkle with the lost-dog fiasco. What have you got there, harold? A dog. A scottie dog. The scottie dog that has a $200 reward on his head. Wah-hahh! Don't be so sure that's the dog. Everybody's finding them. Buster hadfield did, stinky peterson did. Old man sedgwick even found one. They all look like scottie? Except old man sedgwick's -- it was a skunk. But we all lose, harold. The real scottie dog ran home to his owners, scared off by all the guys with the camp songs and mud-wrestling and exploding cats and so on. What do we do now? How do we get these dogs back to their owners? It's just one owner, harold -- a scottie dog breeder. He's coming over now. All these dogs from one place, huh? Somebody had to go there and open their cages. Yeah, well, more likely-- that's probably-- makes sense-- (possum squeal) meeting time -- away you go. Away you go -- off you go. Uncle red, I am so disappointed in you. Well, then, we're even. If my wife is watching, I'm coming home after the meeting. If you find a black hair under my shirt, it's not what you think. It's just puppy love. The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of harold and myself and the gang, keep your stick on the ice. Wave -- you wave, too. You wave -- wave to those people. Wave to the nice people. (possum squeal) (harold): All rise, all rise! (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. I just want to know... Closed captions premier subtitling inc. For more information on red green and possum lodge merchandise, call... Or find us on the internet at... Boy, this is too much!